It is my observation that much of our sense of self-worth is rooted in what others think or feel about us. Thus, if we belong to no one, we will ultimately begin to feel that we are worthless. As a result, we often will do virtually anything to belong to someone or to belong to something. We have an inherent longing to belong or to be connected to something bigger than ourselves. It is almost as if we've been purposefully designed with a factory defect that keeps us searching ... for love.
Sex, unfortunately, is often used as a shortcut to love. While sex can be the most intimate and beautiful expression of love, we are lying to ourselves when we act as if sex is proof of love. Too many men demand sex as proof of love; too many women have sex in hopes of gaining love. Sadly, we live in a world of users where we abuse each other to dull the pain of our aloneness. We all long for intimacy, and physical contact can appear as intimacy, at least for a few moments. But is there any moment that feels more filled with loneliness than the second after having sex with someone who cares nothing about you? Just last week, I just shared the tears of a young woman, now in her early 30's who has been my patient since her teenage years, and now whose long-term live-in boyfriend dumped her a few weeks ago after being caught cheating on her. So in her rebound pain she "hooked up" with another young man two weeks ago and he left her with more heartache and a genital Herpes simplex infection. How freely the tears flowed in my office as she reeled in shame, anger, self-loathing and regret.
Just another example of the truth that there is no such thing as free sex. It always comes at a cost. With it, either you give your heart, or you give your soul. It seems you can give sex without giving love, but you can't have sex without giving a part of yourself. When sex is an act of love, it is a gift. When sex is a substitute for love, it is a trap.
I am reminded of my high school and especially my early college days at Oklahoma State when the cool guys hunted women like the good old boys here in north Florida do deer and fish. Now I was never really one of those guys, but I must admit I was often jealous of them. Nevertheless, my conscience would never allow it ... nor was I blessed with the requisite looks or charisma. But I have learned that love isn't about volume and it isn't about conquest. When we live like it is, there is something deeper going on inside us that we're trying to ignore or even drown out. While we may be alone, disconnected and deficient in love, we know deep down inside that we cannot possibly fill the void in our souls by consuming people. Not only are we robbing others but we are also pillaging our own souls. For love is not about how many people we have used, but about how much we have cherished one person.
I have also come to learn over time that is actually the players who are the ones most afraid. They are afraid to love, and so they make it a game. They're terrified of loving deeply, and so they keep everything on a superficial level. I believe that deep inside they wonder whether any woman could actually love them if she really knew who he was.
Then there are those who believe deeply in love but do not believe they are worthy of it. These are more often women and I see them in my office when the wheels are falling off one destructive relationship after another. What they call love, any other reasonable person would call abuse. It's almost impossible to understand why they choose to get into or stay in these type relationships. But it's almost impossible to talk them out of it once they're in. If you dare say anything negative about their partners, they will be the first to defend them. It's almost as if they are held hostage by their need for love. They essentially become victims because they don't believe they deserve love, so they settle for whatever they can get. I have met far too many women who have given their bodies to men as a trade-off for a poor imitation of love. How can one make sense of a person, like the young woman I mentioned earlier, who moves from one relationship to another, making her body the object of another's pleasure or abuse, except to acknowledge the painful reality that human beings fear almost nothing more than being alone?
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